Coming Out Part Two.

 

This is actually the Cahaba River, but it looks a lot like Bishop Creek. (Photo, I think taken by Beth Young.)

I had grown up in the church and I was familiar with all of the inconsistencies and ugliness and mean-spiritedness that can be a part of a Christian life. I didn't want to play the game. I knew I couldn't be "good" and that if I tried, it would only be phony and hollow. I thought I needed to be good, like the other little girls at my Christian school were good, to know God.

When I was in the sixth grade, for some reason I can't remember, I said "bullshit" at lunch. My teacher Mrs. Edwards (who I loved dearly) called my mom and said "Will you ask Susan if she knows who said 'bullshit' at lunch?" My mom asked me and I told on myself (doh!) and got in some serious hot water. Then, I knew for absolute sure that I wasn't capable of being good.  My mom was embarrassed that I said that I know, but just the other day, Dad teased me about it and laughed.  I said shit in the sixth grade and Dad has been laughing and giving it to me ever since.
 

When I was about twenty years old and a Junior at Auburn, I developed a condition that required surgery on both my legs. I was engaged and hoped to get married when I graduated. I told people I was a Christian and I believed in God, but I still clung to the notion that I needed to be good. And I knew I couldn't. Once I went to a Bible study by a relatively well-known "Bible Study Guru" at Auburn. She lectured this group of 20-something single women about how important it was to be a good wife and mother. She suggested we apprentice ourselves to a large family following graduation so that we could learn to be submissive and take care of children. I walked out of that Bible study and bawled my eyes out. I thought "Seriously? Jesus died for this? No thanks."  I was looking for Jesus. I was desperate for Jesus. And all I got from the church at that time were behavior modification techniques and, well, weirdness. I stopped at Tiger Package on the way home and bought a pint bottle of black label Southern Comfort.

 I don't know why I bring up the surgery other than that it was the difficult circumstance that started making the jars rattle off the truck so to speak.


The relationship between my fiancé and me began to deteriorate rapidly following my surgery and I didn't really know why. He had gone through the really heartbreaking death of a dream a few months before and I later learned he was struggling with drugs during that time. We broke our engagement and I was confused and heartbroken. I remember lying on the floor of my apartment and asking God to help me. It was during this time that I discovered a few television programs produced by Charismatic ministers. I grew up in a church that was committed to the truth of the Gospel, but wasn't particularly Charismatic. I didn't understand these people, but I sensed that they really KNEW God. So, I listened and I heard about a God who is real and present and active in our lives.


During this time, I was working as an intern at a small newspaper to meet my graduation requirement. One of my assignments was to report on a mother and a daughter who were going to graduate from Auburn at the same time. The mother was finishing a PhD in psychology and the daughter was finishing a BA. I called to interview the mother and I asked her how she, a single mother who had a baby girl at fifteen, could be finishing her PhD. She said "I stayed in prayer. God is real. God changes things. He can empower us to do what we never thought we could do. I'm telling you, Susan, stay in prayer. God will hear you. He will help you." And I believed it.


I came home to my little apartment and I prayed. Ok, God. I said. I'm ready. If I have to be like the other Christians to follow you, I'll do it. And at that moment, I heard the voice of the Holy Spirit say Now, I can work with that.  And he told me that he wasn't going to fix the relationship I had with my fiancé, And he told me that he had someone for me and when I would meet him.  Three years later, almost to the day, I met my husband. Six years to the day after that, I gave birth to a Goofball. (Which wasn't really surprising to me since I knew there were some Goofballs in my family tree who had passed for Sane.) I've never been the same since that day. And I learned that I didn't have to be like other Christians after all. I just had to be like me and love Jesus.


And what I've learned since then, to greater and greater degrees is that Jesus Christ is all the good I can ever be. I don't have to fake it or pretend to be something I'm not to please Him. Because it isn't about behavior. It's about knowing Christ and allowing him to work in my life.


I've been learning lately just how personal a "personal relationship" with Jesus can be. It's a phrase I've heard all my life. It isn't about religion, it's about relationship. And we want a personal relationship with Christ. I didn't get it then, but I'm getting it now. As I walk through my life and see all the ways God touched my life and spoke to my heart. He has literally been with me my entire life. He's just giving me the eyes to see it.

I'm little. My purpose in this life is little. That has been revealed to me. I'll never have a big influence or a fancy ministry. But what work he has given me to do, I accept. Part of my work on earth is uncomfortable because it means having other Christians think I'm a heretic. Part of my work is uncomfortable because it means having other Christians think I'm a prude! Unfortunately, my work in this life hasn't involved a whole lot of other Christians being absolutely thrilled by my presence, but I'll be honest. There's been some of that. I've been loved.

Most of my work on earth is so small and so seemingly insignificant that I sometimes forget that it is important. But I don't ask Him to make me great on earth or in heaven. (Being great in Heaven involves a lot of hardship on earth I think!) I just ask Him to make me faithful and to let me be content to stand in my place in the ranks of all the saints and do the work assigned to me. There is a place for me in the Ranks of the Saints. I'm amazed.


This is my story of faith. This is my testimony to the faithfulness of the Lord.  This has been really hard to write! Amen.